This Is How Elvis Died

by Dave Stagner

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credits

released October 14, 2019

Songs by Dave Stagner

Recorded at Extraterrestrial Highway, Minneapolis MN
Engineered/mixed/mastered by Dave Stagner

Cover art by The Great Luke Ski

"Oops" is a parody of "Oops I Did It Again", by Britney Spears, with lyrics by Dave Stagner

"Trump" is a parody of "Lump", by The Presidents of the United States of America, and "Mama Tried", by Merle Haggard, with lyrics by Dave Stagner

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Dave Stagner Minneapolis, Minnesota

I am a guitarist, songwriter, recording engineer, and musical polymath based in Minneapolis.

I have played in countless bands over the years, most notably the Feng Shui Ninjas, Beth Kinderman & the Player Characters, and Al Amarja.

All recordings produced at Extraterrestrial Highway, my home studio. I love living in the future!
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Track Name: This Is How Elvis Died
I'm sitting in the can with my cell phone in my hand
Trying to enjoy my morning dump
I'm squeezing and I'm straining and my colon is complaining
But that moment of relief just will not come
Now my blood pressure's pretty bad, I'm middle aged and kind of fat
And I should get more fiber and exercise
But I was really not prepared, for my next thought left me so scared
Coz it struck me: This is how Elvis died

Elvis was the King, but that don't mean a goddamn thing
When he keeled over sitting on his throne
His millions of adoring fans just couldn't be there with the man
He had to have that heart attack alone
And when they did the autopsy they found his colon was nine feet
He couldn't poop no matter how he tried
His constipation was serious, it caused a heart arrhythmia
And now you know that's how Elvis died

(But other people have other theories. They're wrong, but I'll share them anyway.)

Bananas and bacon and peanut butter was his favorite sandwich, along with uppers
And downers and a bunch of other drugs
Like codeine, phenobarbitol, and methadone and secanol
And dexadrine and valium and bugs

(Now, I don't know that Elvis actually ate bugs. Maybe he thought they were little brown pills. Or maybe I have him confused with William Burroughs. And that leads me to my next verse, which leads me to the wise words of Tom Lehrer... "Should I? No, I guess I'd better not." So we're going to skip that verse.)

Some blame the medication Elvis took with dedication
As the cause of his untimely demise
But the problem's scatological, so I'm waxing pedagogical
On dangers that I hope you realize
The symptoms are quite treatable, and constipation's beatable
With health advice your doctor can provide
So have yourself a good poo, being full of shit can kill you
You don't want to die the way that Elvis died
Track Name: Fireworks Pornography & Cheese
Driving through Wisconsin going to or from Chicago
You're probably stuck on Highway 94
You may need gas or coffee or you maybe wanna pee
More likely you're just feeling really bored
Construction cones and moo cows, radar traps and roadkill
Billboards shouting everywhere you see
The billboards tell you what's in store if you dare leave ol' 94
Fireworks pornography & cheese

The Dells are just a tourist trap, Madison's just students
Some people drink Milwaukee's shitty beer
No one knows why Tomah's there, that's also true about Eau Claire
Hudson just means Minnesota's near
We save the best for the middle, or well maybe, I won't go there
The punchline of this joke, Menomonie (doo doo dee dee doo)
Menomonie (doo dee dee doo)

Menomonie, monotony, monotony, monotony
monotony, monotony, monotony, monotony
monotony, monotony, monogamy, monotony
Fireworks pornography & cheese

The highway, America's love affair with road trips
The slowest way of getting there, no, that's steamships
But steamships cannot get you across Wisconsin
It's not slow, it's just way too long

Are we there yet?

Harleys in the summer, snowplows when it snows
Trailers filled up to the brim with junk
Buses, milk trucks, moving vans, SUVs with Packer fans
Rusty cars with deer strapped to the trunk
Smoke bombs and M80s, anal lesbo nurses
Cheese of almost every sort but brie
You can live without this stuff but you don't really wanna
Fireworks pornography & cheese

Your money's gone and so's your gas, you can't escape Wisconsin
Your car's filled with explosives, food & sleaze
You didn't mean to buy it all, but you just had to go there
Fireworks pornography & cheese
Track Name: The Pros and Cons of Time Travel
Oops.
Track Name: Oops
I think I did it again
Made my machine kill all of your friends
You'll never know they were gone
Because in your timeline, they were never born
But to alter the timeline is just so typical me
Oh baby baby

Oops I did it again
Altered the timeline, now nothing's the same
Oh darling
I say I didn't know that you'd never know
I'm not that innocent

You see the problem is this
I'm changing the timeline, making sure heroes no longer exist
They try to stop all my plans
Til I go back in time, kill their mom and dad
But to alter the timeline is just so typical me
Oh baby baby

Oops I did it again
Altered the timeline, now nothing's the same
Oh darling
I say I didn't know that you wouldn't know
I'm not that innocent
Track Name: Maybe I Blew Up the Moon
Honey, I'm calling to tell you I'm late
And you don't need to worry, coz everything's great
So get yourself dinner, you don't need to wait for me
I'm pretty sure that I already ate something
Maybe some coffee, coz that's what I drink
And I don't hear the sirens yet so I can think
About alibis, getting my story in sync
Maybe I blew up the moon

I think my experiment went slightly wrong
And maybe the fuse was a little too long
And maybe the bomb was a little too strong
And I think maybe that I knew that all along
So I'm really sorry I made such a mess
Still I'm kind of proud of it I must confess
If you look at it that way, it's kind of success
Maybe I blew up the moon

It's trending on Twitter now, who gets the credit
On Facebook, on Hacker News, even on Reddit
And some of the folks there are saying they think it's a joke
But that other folks really don't get it
Track Name: What Do Clowns Eat?
What do clowns eat? Maybe they eat cotton candy.
What do clowns eat? Maybe they eat bubble gum.
What do clowns eat? Maybe they eat pie in the face.
What do clowns eat? Maybe they eat children.
Track Name: Trump
Trump stood alone at the podium
Totally heartless, and sounding really dumb
Mud flowed out into all his tweeting
This new president is giving us a beating

He’s Trump, he’s Trump, he’s Trump
He’ll build a wall
He’s Trump, he’s Trump he’s Trump
He hates us all

Trump was the first in line for brains
But the one he got was kind of rotten and insane
Makes the presidency just a meme
Are we fast asleep and this is really just a dream

He’s Trump, he’s Trump, he’s Trump
He speaks his mind
He’s Trump, he’s Trump, he’s Trump
He might be blind

(switch to new song)
First time I remember voting
Was for changing and for hoping
A young man’s dream of growing up to be
Our president Obama
Unprecedented drama
But he did the best he could for you and me

Now it's 2017 and Trump has sort of won the vote
No one could beat the right
Obama tried, Obama tried
Obama tried to make things better
Trump tweeted and he lied
That leaves only us to blame, Obama tried

Trump’s like a poster child for greed
Only uses words a ten year old could read
Says he’ll make America great again
When he’s gone, it’ll happen then

He’s Trump, he’s Trump, he’s Trump
A Russian spy
He’s Trump, he’s Trump, he’s Trump
That could be why

Is this Trump out of his mind? I think so...

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