I'm sitting in the can with my cell phone in my hand Trying to enjoy my morning dump I'm squeezing and I'm straining and my colon is complaining But that moment of relief just will not come Now my blood pressure's pretty bad, I'm middle aged and kind of fat And I should get more fiber and exercise But I was really not prepared, for my next thought left me so scared Coz it struck me: This is how Elvis died Elvis was the King, but that don't mean a goddamn thing When he keeled over sitting on his throne His millions of adoring fans just couldn't be there with the man He had to have that heart attack alone And when they did the autopsy they found his colon was nine feet He couldn't poop no matter how he tried His constipation was serious, it caused a heart arrhythmia And now you know that's how Elvis died (But other people have other theories. They're wrong, but I'll share them anyway.) Bananas and bacon and peanut butter was his favorite sandwich, along with uppers And downers and a bunch of other drugs Like codeine, phenobarbitol, and methadone and secanol And dexadrine and valium and bugs (Now, I don't know that Elvis actually ate bugs. Maybe he thought they were little brown pills. Or maybe I have him confused with William Burroughs. And that leads me to my next verse, which leads me to the wise words of Tom Lehrer... "Should I? No, I guess I'd better not." So we're going to skip that verse.) Some blame the medication Elvis took with dedication As the cause of his untimely demise But the problem's scatological, so I'm waxing pedagogical On dangers that I hope you realize The symptoms are quite treatable, and constipation's beatable With health advice your doctor can provide So have yourself a good poo, being full of shit can kill you You don't want to die the way that Elvis died

Driving through Wisconsin going to or from Chicago You're probably stuck on Highway 94 You may need gas or coffee or you maybe wanna pee More likely you're just feeling really bored Construction cones and moo cows, radar traps and roadkill Billboards shouting everywhere you see The billboards tell you what's in store if you dare leave ol' 94 Fireworks pornography & cheese The Dells are just a tourist trap, Madison's just students Some people drink Milwaukee's shitty beer No one knows why Tomah's there, that's also true about Eau Claire Hudson just means Minnesota's near We save the best for the middle, or well maybe, I won't go there The punchline of this joke, Menomonie (doo doo dee dee doo) Menomonie (doo dee dee doo) Menomonie, monotony, monotony, monotony monotony, monotony, monotony, monotony monotony, monotony, monogamy, monotony Fireworks pornography & cheese The highway, America's love affair with road trips The slowest way of getting there, no, that's steamships But steamships cannot get you across Wisconsin It's not slow, it's just way too long Are we there yet? Harleys in the summer, snowplows when it snows Trailers filled up to the brim with junk Buses, milk trucks, moving vans, SUVs with Packer fans Rusty cars with deer strapped to the trunk Smoke bombs and M80s, anal lesbo nurses Cheese of almost every sort but brie You can live without this stuff but you don't really wanna Fireworks pornography & cheese Your money's gone and so's your gas, you can't escape Wisconsin Your car's filled with explosives, food & sleaze You didn't mean to buy it all, but you just had to go there Fireworks pornography & cheese

Oops.

I think I did it again Made my machine kill all of your friends You'll never know they were gone Because in your timeline, they were never born But to alter the timeline is just so typical me Oh baby baby Oops I did it again Altered the timeline, now nothing's the same Oh darling I say I didn't know that you'd never know I'm not that innocent You see the problem is this I'm changing the timeline, making sure heroes no longer exist They try to stop all my plans Til I go back in time, kill their mom and dad But to alter the timeline is just so typical me Oh baby baby Oops I did it again Altered the timeline, now nothing's the same Oh darling I say I didn't know that you wouldn't know I'm not that innocent

Honey, I'm calling to tell you I'm late And you don't need to worry, coz everything's great So get yourself dinner, you don't need to wait for me I'm pretty sure that I already ate something Maybe some coffee, coz that's what I drink And I don't hear the sirens yet so I can think About alibis, getting my story in sync Maybe I blew up the moon I think my experiment went slightly wrong And maybe the fuse was a little too long And maybe the bomb was a little too strong And I think maybe that I knew that all along So I'm really sorry I made such a mess Still I'm kind of proud of it I must confess If you look at it that way, it's kind of success Maybe I blew up the moon It's trending on Twitter now, who gets the credit On Facebook, on Hacker News, even on Reddit And some of the folks there are saying they think it's a joke But that other folks really don't get it

What do clowns eat? Maybe they eat cotton candy. What do clowns eat? Maybe they eat bubble gum. What do clowns eat? Maybe they eat pie in the face. What do clowns eat? Maybe they eat children.

Trump stood alone at the podium Totally heartless, and sounding really dumb Mud flowed out into all his tweeting This new president is giving us a beating He’s Trump, he’s Trump, he’s Trump He’ll build a wall He’s Trump, he’s Trump he’s Trump He hates us all Trump was the first in line for brains But the one he got was kind of rotten and insane Makes the presidency just a meme Are we fast asleep and this is really just a dream He’s Trump, he’s Trump, he’s Trump He speaks his mind He’s Trump, he’s Trump, he’s Trump He might be blind (switch to new song) First time I remember voting Was for changing and for hoping A young man’s dream of growing up to be Our president Obama Unprecedented drama But he did the best he could for you and me Now it's 2017 and Trump has sort of won the vote No one could beat the right Obama tried, Obama tried Obama tried to make things better Trump tweeted and he lied That leaves only us to blame, Obama tried Trump’s like a poster child for greed Only uses words a ten year old could read Says he’ll make America great again When he’s gone, it’ll happen then He’s Trump, he’s Trump, he’s Trump A Russian spy He’s Trump, he’s Trump, he’s Trump That could be why Is this Trump out of his mind? I think so...